Night of the Living Dread

“Look at me, Daddy. I’m a zombie. I’ve got red eyes like you when you work at night.”

I think, shut up you cheeky monster. What do you know, you’re like seven and you’ve never seen “Night of the Living Dead” and you don’t even know who George Romero is, for crying out loud.

Then I stop my rant and think, ah, yeah, I get it, you cheeky monster.

Okay, yes, it’s time for a holiday. Just let me finish writing this story. It’s about zombies. You’ll dig it, really. It’s about a man who wants to quit but can’t, but not because he’s a workaholic… well, like me sometimes, but because, well… You’ll have to read the story to find out. You can read it when it’s done and when we’re on holiday. Soon, my dear, I swear. Just give me a couple of days to wrap it up and edit it and then sell it somehow because we don’t want the repo man coming round to our house, do we?

“Dad?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s a zombie, anyway?”

“Oh, well. It’s a well… why, let me think, ah, yeah, well… Why don’t you go and ask your mother?”

No Shirts, No Service

My son has his quirks.

It’s his autism in part. And being a boy.

Drive a different route home and he’ll call you up on it. “Hey! Why aren’t we going home?”

He thinks left is right and right is left when it comes to putting on his shoes. And he gets stuck taking off his clothes. Send the five-year-old to brush his teeth and he’ll spend an hour playing with the running water if you let him. And he’ll happily eat standing up at the table. Tell him you’re going to eat him up because he’s so cute and he thinks that may just happen.

Of course, these traits can be damn useful sometimes, so useful that I may incorporate some of them into my life.

We went to a birthday party the other day and son got himself dressed as we prepared our bags and got our two-year-old daughter in her clothes. We were running late. Quick! Out the door, into the car and to the party.

The kids played and we chatted with the other parents. Lunch was served and the kids ate hot dogs and pizza. My son, who likes his food, dug in and part of his slice of mozzarella pizza slipped out of his hands and onto his T-shirt. He picked the morsels off his shirt and ate them. No tears were shed over the tomato stain on his shirt, no look of consternation. No sweat. He simply pulled off his shirt and behold underneath another shirt. He kept eating.

A 10-year-old girl watched the affair and smiled.

“That’s pretty smart,” she said to my son.

Doubly so, really. For when it came to plowing into the birthday cake a bit of moist chocolate icing fell onto his shirt. No sweat, no tears. Off the shirt came to reveal a third shirt.

My son smiled and put his hand up as if to say wait until you see this. He had another two shirts in reserve.

“Cool,” the 10-year-old girl said.

I smiled proudly.

The Kitchen Table

We have a comfortable table that fits all of us in the kitchen at our new pad in Buenos Aires. It’s a white wood table and has four matching chairs – and two fold-up metal chairs borrowed from my Dad’s apartment. The table is multipurpose. It’s for homework and for using the laptop, sorting clothes and for my kids to create art and all of us to play board games. It also is a dumping ground for bags and jackets when we come in.

Right now it’s a table for breakfast and World War III. Almost. The eldest is flipped off at the middle boy because he keeps copying her.

“I say, ‘I want Honey Grahams and Stars,’ and he says he wants the same,” my seven-year-old daughter tells me. “He’s always copying me and I don’t like it.”

I try to explain a thing or two but the just-poured coffee still hasn’t jump started my brain this early in the morning and so my words come out minced. By the time I can say anything intelligible they’ve left the table with empty cereal bowls and splotches of spilt milk.

I sit down with my coffee and listen as the three kids come and go from bedrooms to the living room. They talk, play and complain. Then comes a bout silence followed by a bout of friendly chatter. I get up and peer into the living room. The two eldest are sitting on the sofa together leafing through a picture atlas all about the ocean. Peaceful and content.

So I go pour myself another cup of coffee.

Then the chatter escalates.

“I’m a shark,” my daughter says.

“Me too,” my five-year-old son says.

“No, you can’t be.”

“Yeah I can.”

“No because I am. You’re always copying me.

“No.”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“So don’t be a shark. Be a whale.”

“No, a shark.”

“But I’m a shark.”

“Me too.”

“I’m a bigger shark.”

“Me too.”

I stay in the kitchen and sit down at the table. It’s too early for intervention. I will let nature take its course.

The funny thing is that it while I fret over the battle of the sea creatures and consider crawling back into bed, nature does take its course and they don’t fight as sharks. They go camping in the middle of the living room with blankets and pillows taken from their beds to make sleeping bags and tents. They start a campfire to cook a second breakfast of pancakes with chocolate and strawberries. And dulce de leche.

Then a soccer match starts. My daughter is the Argentine star Carlos Tevez. My son wants to be Argentina the country or himself, but after much persuasion he chooses to be England’s Wayne Rooney. And they play for a few minutes before switching to hide and seek in the wilderness of their very own living room.

It’s peaceful so I come out of hiding. The sofa is my destination but I’m told it is a mountain range and you can’t sit on the mountains in this wilderness. So I turn around and return to the kitchen and to the table. It’s a good table.