The Hollywood Dreamer

I may not have the punch, but I’ve got the mouthpiece.

I had a dream the other night about picking up Julia Roberts. She’s not my favorite heartthrob, but I’m not complaining. She appeared. I drove her from the airport to her home in Venice Beach or thereabouts. It’s not far from where I grew up in L.A. I don’t remember what we spoke about, but there were serious flaws in my dream.

First, I was a taxi driver and not a Hollywood celebrity. And worse, I was wearing my mouthpiece.

Yes, my mouthpiece.

My dentist told me to wear it at night to protect my teeth from grinding, a reaction to the stress of deadlines, too much work and three kids. “You won’t have anymore teeth,” my dentist said. So in it goes every night. I can’t be a gallant without teeth. I can’t be Paul Newman vying for Katharine Ross in the movie “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” not like in the classic scene of them riding a bike accompanied by the song “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head.”

But nor can I live such a scene with a mouthpiece in my mouth.

So I lie there in bed. There’s still three or four hours before I have to get up, and I’m thinking it’s no use dreaming about beauties. No, I’d best dream about being Rocky Balboa. At least I’d be more dignified with my mouthpiece. And I could certainly take a pummeling in the boxing ring without any damage to my teeth. Yeah, I think. It’s good to wear a mouthpiece. You just have to skew your dreams accordingly.

Back with the Rain

We’ve found our little cat!

I’m not so good at loss and so when our gray cat went missing my reaction was composed, which was infuriating for my wife. She immediately started canvassing the neighborhood in search of Rainy, our one-and-a-half-year-old cat. It was one rainy night – yes, rainy – that she decided to hop onto the courtyard wall, jump down and take a stroll down the street. It wasn’t uncommon for her. But for a rainy night, this was stormy. And in the morning she wasn’t at the door as usual, hungry and tired.

She wasn’t there.

I said, “She’ll be back.”

My wife started to fret. She called out her name, “Rainy!” A day later she printed out sheets of paper with her photo under MISSING and passed them out and taped them to poles. She started to search.

I started to work.

I’m not good at loss. I’ve had too much of it. I once lost a big black cat who made me laugh, and an orange cat who annoyed me to no end but in his way made me happy. I once lost a Cocker Spaniel who would lick my feet and toes just right to relieve the stress of work and deadlines. Yes, disgusting. But she was my dog. And then she was gone. I once lost a surfboard that rode me on big surf in Chile and Peru, and I once lost a daughter.

I have lost too much, so maybe I’m callous now.

Maybe.

I didn’t race to write Rainy’s obituary. I didn’t give her food away or even clean out her stinky litter tray. I left it all as it was. She’d be back.

But she didn’t come.

My youngest daughter kept looking for her out the front window and in the courtyard. She was the fondest of Rainy. It was her cat, and my wife’s. So I kept up hope but it seemed hopeless. My thoughts were of a dreaded fate: death. Or taken and now surviving off of scraps under the table. Or inversely, fattening up on salmon and cream and maybe thinking this is wizard. Why go home? But, hopefully, she was thinking that life was better back in that home with three adoring children and two kind grownups and a four-ton doting dog.

Six weeks went by and no news came in. A few neighbors kept asking about our lost cat. A few said, “She’ll show up.” One called and told us there’s a cat using her flower pot as a toilet. My hopes rose. But she didn’t call back. “It’s a pity,” another neighbor said. “Maybe she’s gone to your old home.” I looked, but nothing. The inquiries abated and then died down altogether and my wife started talking of getting another cat, for our littlest daughter. The two-year-old was devastated. “Let’s get her a cat,” my wife said. She arranged to go to the pet store and it was Saturday afternoon and we were about to go, but the fire was burning for the barbeque. We’d go a bit later. My wife went to check her emails, and suddenly she called out for me. “They’ve found her!” Sure enough, on a website for lost pets – RedMascotera – there was a photo of a cat that looked just like Rainy. We called. They told us to come by. She’s in their round-the-clock kiosk in Almagro, a neighborhood a fair distance from our Colegiales – and across major avenues like Cordoba, Corrientes and Juan B. Justo. Forty-three blocks away. The owner said the cat had shown up two weeks earlier and taken shelter in the kiosk, hiding out in dark places and coming out for petting on occasion. She’d arrived two weeks earlier! So what happened the other four weeks of her disappearance? We’ll never know. But we weren’t asking the little cat. She sat on my wife’s lap the whole drive home, the kids in the back smiling at their cat, now gaunt as a beanpole.

“This restores my faith in humankind,” my wife said.

“Yup,” I said.

Rain came home.

The Dog Poop Proposal

“Yeah, I must confess. I did it. But so did everybody else!”

I remember as a kid that street sellers would amble by in my Los Angeles suburb peddling this, that and the other. I don’t really remember the items, expect one. It was a liquid that could remove any stain imaginable. Paint? “No problemo,” the peddler said. Oil? “Want to see?” We did! And so he picked an oil stain on our driveway and got down to work as my friends and I watched. He squirted the liquid on the stain and started rubbing with a cloth, squirted a bit more and rubbed again. And, yes, my friends, the stain vanished. Voila! The man stood up with sweat beading on his forehead and a triumphant look on his face. “See!” We did see.

We didn’t buy any in the end, and he said, “Maybe next time,” before heading off down the street for his next exhibition. We thought of trailing after him for another show of his magic potion. Oh the stains we could remove around our streets! The blood from split knees, oil and the skid marks left by our bikes. But our enthusiasm waned as he walked away. Why would you want to clean an oil stain off the pavement anyway? Or anything for that matter?

I now know why.

In our new neighborhood in Buenos Aires, a homely district called Colegiales where we moved a few months ago from a ritzier end of town, every dog has come to pay the new family a visit to and to leave a present. They are fertilizing our sidewalk, to put it politely. But I’m not always too polite, so put roughly: every motherfucking dog has come to shit in front of my house. And we’re wondering what to do with the poop pileup.

A proposal is to pick it up and wash away the scent with a shit-load of vinegar so the critters won’t continue to use our sidewalk as their toilet. That’d sure be a healthy option for the environment. But if that doesn’t work, option two is to hunt down that peddler of the no-problemo stain remover and haul his ass down here to dump a truckload on our sidewalk even if it burns a hole to China. I’ll kick the mutts in and hope they can bark in Mandarin if they try to dump their loads again on my pavement.

Of course, I could just tell the owners to pick up after their dogs like I do.

Politely, of course.

Or impolitely. But then things could get messy. And it’s always best to tread lightly because you never know what you’re going to get yourself into. Unless, of course, you’re walking in front of my house.